12 Months of Self Care: The Plan

My plan for creating 12 months of self care.

I previously told the story of how my ambitious plan of a year long journey came to be. What I didn’t tell you was the actual plan. What was this year of self discovery going to entail? Well, welcome to 12 months of self care: the plan! I’ve broken the year down into 12 months and each month gets a new focus. Every focus falls into a more general category of improving myself either physically or mentally, with some doing both. It’s important to note that in order for this crazy plan to work I had to write down why I wanted to do this and exactly what I had hoped to accomplish. So, what do I want to accomplish?

  1. To discover a sense of who I am, outside of motherhood. I love being a mother and I love being a wife, but I am so much more than that as a person. Yet, lately, it’s hard to see myself as anything but Mother or Wife.
  2. Create and achieve more happiness in my life. I understand that you cannot just simply wish for happiness, you need to seek it out and reign it in.
  3. Become physically and mentally healthier by challenging and pushing myself.
  4. Find, appreciate, and cultivate new sources of joy. This goal sounds similar to the previous goal of creating more happiness in my life, but when I think of cultivating joy I think on a smaller scale. I think appreciation, thankfulness, and attentiveness to the small everyday things that we tend to rush through or overlook.
  5. And finally, with every continuing month, I hope to decrease my overall anxieties and self doubt, while increasing my self worth and confidence.

In order to pursue the goals I outlined above I created 12 areas of improvement to focus on. Each month will be concentrating on one of the 12 focuses. I hope that with every subsequent month I don’t simply abandon the previous month’s focus but rather shift to the new focus, while keeping the things that worked well from the previous months’. Is this making sense at all? If you’re following me, you’re amazing, if not, don’t worry about it because I can sometimes barely comprehend it myself.

The 12 categories of focus are (in no particular order – as I do them I will edit this post into the correct order):

  1. Medical compliance
  2. Exercise
  3. Create order/ decrease clutter both physically and mentally
  4. Gratitude & acceptance of things I cannot change
  5. A month of doctor appointments that I usually put off
  6. Relationships
  7. Create
  8. Self confidence & self worth
  9. Learn something new
  10. Take a risk
  11. Physical appearance
  12. Limiting screen time & technology influences

You may be reading these ideas thinking, “What does that even mean?” and that’s okay! They are very general statements and I cannot wait to expand on what each idea means and what each month entails. I hope you will follow along for this journey I’m taking. But more importantly, I hope it will inspire you to make time for self improvement and self care.

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12 Months of Self Care: A Journey to finding myself

Maybe it was the addition of a second child. Or maybe it was the fact that said second child refused bottles, demanded to nurse every 2 hours, and disinterested her sister almost to a point of loathing. Maybe the chronic sleep deprivation was just the tip of the iceberg and it led to the resurfacing of old emotions, old worries, and new fears.

I remember riding in the passenger seat of the car, both girls’ in the back seat, when I told Kyle I was having a hard time coming to terms that Vera would be our last baby. I confessed that I had no idea who I was outside of being a mother. I mothered other people’s children before I had my own children, for crying out loud! I talked about how self conscious I had become when meeting new people because short of talking about my girl’s, I felt like I had nothing of interest to contribute. Not to mention the fact that I mostly spent my days talking to a 3 year old and a newborn so my conversation skills were left lacking. By this point tears were flowing freely. I loved our girls and I love being a mother but I felt incredibly lost as a person.

A few more months go by and I was taking a shower, trying to detangle the mess that was my post-partum hair. Mattes, tangles and precious time spent detangling this mass of dead cells all because it was the one things I was holding onto as a person. If I didn’t know who I was outside of motherhood I was at least going to have kick-ass long hair. Beth with the long hair. And it was that thought that made me put down the comb. I rinsed the remaining globs of conditioner, got out of the shower and grabbed my hair scissors. I proceeded to cut off about 6 inches of hair. I wanted to go shorter, bolder, but I lacked the confidence. I even tried to pep talk myself “It’s just hair, it will grow back, why are you holding onto this?” but even my pep talk lacked the authority to really seal the deal. I felt lighter, not because I chopped a good pound of hair off, but because I felt like it was a step in the right direction. I needed to break out of these weird confines I put myself in. I didn’t want to just be “Beth, that mom with the long hair,” I want to be “Beth: that creative, adventurous , funny and interesting woman.” You know, that Beth.

And so I sat down at my desk later that night, hair softly hitting the tops of my shoulders, and pushed myself to think outside of the box. The new year was coming up and I was going to make the most of it. I was going to use this next year to find myself. I wanted to discover things I never knew about myself, push myself to be more, do more and give more. I wanted to create more joy, happiness and laughter in my life. I wanted to relieve my heavy chest and mind of it’s anxieties and imaginary burdens. I want to become that person I’ve always dreamed of being.

After an hour or so I looked back at my notebook and I felt a sense of relief. I had a plan. The hardest part was over. A few weeks later coming towards the end of December I chopped my hair another 8 inches and it felt amazing. I felt amazing. 2018 was going to be the year of self care, and I was finally going to work on finding myself.

 

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Life with Vera Charlotte

It’s been two whole months since we welcomed our sweet Vera Charlotte into the world. I’m trying to savor every single moment because I know she’s our last baby. Each night-time waking, each nursing snuggle, each little smile and even those heart-breaking pouts and sobs. She’s a sweet chub of a baby, so different than her older sister. I remember Emerson feeling so fragile in my arms whereas Vera feels so hefty – so solid.

We’ve all fallen into what feels like a good routine. I know the routine will constantly be changing, just as quickly as little Vera. But for now I feel like I’m slowly getting my groove back.

Emmie has been overall wonderful in the transition of being an only child to suddenly having to share her parents with another little human, who really doesn’t do much but sleep & cry. Emerson has already fallen comfortably into the role of big sister. She is constantly informing me when Vera starts to fuss that I need to either “pick her up,” or “give her breastmilk.” And my sweet, tenderhearted Emmie will tear up and join in the crying if Vera is left fussing or crying for too long. Car rides are the worst, when I can’t actively soothe Vera, no matter how loudly Emmie demands it.

Slowly and surely I’ll get back into writing more for the blog.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Mother’s Day

Motherhood starts way before you ever hold your babe in your arms. It even starts before you carry that little babe in your belly. Eating right and working out. Prenatal vitamins, tracking temperatures and reading countless fertility books. Little purchases forgone so you could squirrel away the money knowing one day you’d have the tinniest socks to buy. Hopes and dreams and sacrifices.

Then you grow your baby, surrendering your coffees, your drinks, your productivity and ankles. You start counting your time in weeks, then days, then hours and minutes. Finally, a little voice is brought into the world and you continue on your journey with hopes and dreams and sacrifices.

Rocking, shushing, snuggling, swaddling, feeding, wiping away tears and wiping bums. Choking back tears to soothe a terrified face at the doctors. A heart so full it might burst. Late night cries and early morning giggles. The terrifying doubts of being enough.  Long days turning into short weeks, and snug clothes packed away. Your heart aches with hopes and dreams and sacrifices.

Being a mother is all consuming. It engulfs you in an endless see of love,  doubt,  anxiety and joy. You ride so high, and fall so low. It seeps it’s way into your personality. You’re Mom: warrior princess, doctor supreme, head chef, and monster-trapper. You’re a blanket, a song, a smile, a kiss. You are the arms of comfort and the hand of authority.  You are hopes and dreams and sacrifices.

So cheers to you Moms, may you feel the love of your little one where ever they may be. May you find courage and strength to continue on, for without you we are nothing. 

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Reminders

Sometimes motherhood feels overwhelming. You become bogged down with all the worries, anxieties, and fears of not being enough. Not providing enough love, enough creativity, enough activities. You worry about singing enough songs, reading enough books, painting enough pictures. You worry about being present but encouraging independence. You worry that you’re just not enough.

And then, it all fades away in an instant.

I was getting Emerson dressed for the day. We were layering since there was still a bitter winter chill in the air and we were headed to the park. Tights, then leggings. A blue long sleeve bodysuit. I pulled out a faded Wonder Woman tee to throw over as an easy layer. Wonder Woman with her wild – yet glamorously tamed- hair, her bold bodysuit and fearless pose swooping in to save the day.

Emerson peaked over at the shirt and her face lit up. Pointing to the woman on the shirt, she gasp, “Mama!” And just like that, all those silly fears of not being enough faded into nothingness. According to my daughter, I was Wonder Woman.

I laughed and said, “You think that’s me?” Emerson’s classic ‘yes’ nod followed. Deliberate and slow: up, down. Yes. She pointed again, “Mama! Mama!” I laughed again, but this time, I nodded in agreement. Sure, kiddo, if you want to think I’m Wonder Woman go right ahead. And in that moment in time I knew; I am enough.

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