On Love and Loss

I found out around the time of our Christmas vacation that I was pregnant again. Hence the long absence of blogging around the new year. I blame pregnancy exhaustion and hormones. So many hormones! This pregnancy turned out to be the complete opposite of my first. I didn’t feel an immediate connection to this baby, in fact there were days I forgot completely that I was creating another human. For that I blamed the other human I had already created; she kept me so busy I didn’t have time to dwell on the good news.
But at the first appointment we found that the fetus had no heartbeat and displayed no movement. And while I was supposed to be 10 weeks along, baby only measured at 7 weeks and 1 day. I had what they called – a “silent miscarriage.”
Part of me had expected this outcome. On the day I clutched my positive pregnancy test, I also had a very high, hard to break fever.  Such a high fever can cause neural defects. When my OB broke the news I found myself silently nodding my head in agreement. It made sense. The crazy surge of hormonal meltdowns last week, the skin breakouts and the extreme bloating. All my body’s way of giving one last try at saving the baby. No such luck; it just wasn’t meant to be. So imagine my cool-headed, hard logic surprise when at the mention of a D&C tears started leaking from my eyes.
I wasn’t prepared for this. I knew it was a possibility but I was certainly not prepared. We settled on a second confirmation ultrasound before scheduling the D&C. It was driving home that I realized what I was dreading the most; telling the man I love that our future was changing again. That my body somehow failed me us and the visions of two kids running around had suddenly vanished.

For a long time, I just wanted to get back to normal. I felt relieved at first. I continually told myself I was happier that I was no longer pregnant and that we really “dodged a bullet.” I was annoyed when my friends, my family… the people I care so deeply about kept checking in with me to see if I was okay. I was dressed and put together, I wasn’t sobbing in the evenings, I was moving on and felt like they were holding me back.
In reality, I was holding myself back. I was smack dab in the first few stages of grieving. Denial, anger, bargaining… you know the rest. I turned to wine to self soothe my hidden regrets and buried anger. If I wasn’t going to be pregnant I could at least drink. I tried to drown my “what-if’s”  in bottles of Chardonnay. And then one day it finally happened; the tears came.
I was laying on the floor playing with Emerson. I was voicing nonsensical thoughts while she rummaged around in the masses of toys spewed across the living room rug. Emmie was quiet, as is her way, but lately she’s been dabbling in speaking more. When she looked up from what she was doing and quietly stated, “baby.” I propped myself up on my elbows.
“A baby? Did you hear a baby crying? Is one of your baby dolls tired? Where is this baby you speak of?”
Then time stood still. She smiled a big grin and scooted over to me, lifted my shirt exposing my pale stomach and laid her ear on my belly. “Baby,” she said again using her little cold hand to pat my soft tummy.
I felt it. The icy shatter of my heart breaking. It hit me like a wave of winter air, a chill that steals the breathe right from your lungs.
“Mommy doesn’t have a  baby in her belly anymore, honey.” I heard the whisper leave my lips before I realized that I was speaking.  I held my breathe as I watched her face mimic the maze of emotions I was lost in. First, confusion with little furrowed brows and a slight tilt of her head, and then as she processed the words a sad little pout sprouted from her lips and the tiniest quiver danced across her chin.
“Does it make you sad that mommy doesn’t have a baby in her belly anymore?” I asked,  my voice still barely audible. The world fell silent around us. Another chin quiver and wide, sad eyes locked onto mine and Emerson solemnly nodded yes. Yes, it made her sad.
I didn’t bother to wipe away the hot tears now streaming down my face. “It makes me sad too darling. It makes me very sad too.” I scooped her little body in my arms and breathed her in. There we sat tangled up in each other’s arms and each other’s sadness. But most importantly we sat there huddled together engulfed in love.
In time my broken heart will fully heal. Until then, I’ll drink up every moment with Emerson. The smirks and laughs. The way she gleefully runs down the street doing her best to keep up with the big kids. Or how she throws her arms around my neck and squeezes so tightly I can do nothing to hold my laughter in. I’ll study how the light bounces off her golden hair and listen to her breathe when she snuggles close.  I’ll dry her tears when she scraps her knee again and hold her hand to keep her safe. And in time, perhaps, there will be a moment where I can watch Emmie’s face light up when we tell her she’ll be a big sister.

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Blowing Bubbles // Enjoying Our Weekend Outside

We’ve been seizing every opportunity to get outside and enjoy the wonderful spring weather. Our toddler activities lately have included blowing lots of bubbles, spilling a lot of bubble mix, going for wagon rides with neighbors, eating ice cream sandwiches & home made popsicles and picking dandelions for a toddler-styled bouquet. 
Even Oliver joined in on the activities. He loves chomping bubbles and he’s never one to turn down a moment of sunbathing. Days like these where we sit and feel the sun our faces and the warm breeze tussling our hair make me excited for what Florida will hold for us. What will Emerson’s childhood look like where we’ll be able to head outdoors to play year-round? I can’t say I know what her childhood will look like down in Florida, but I’m excited to find out! 

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Sink Bath

Lately at night, after Emerson relentlessly calls my name through her door, I lie next to her and whisper stories of when she was a little baby. “When you were little, just born really, I would wrap your naked little body up in my bathrobe and you’d sleep right against my chest listening to my heart beat.” Emerson watches me intensely when I tell her these stories, studying my face in the soft glow of the nightlight.  And after I finish each one, she nods “yes” as if to confirm, that she did indeed listen to my heart. 
After playing yesterday in the flower box, covered in dirt with two scrapped knees I found myself entertaining the idea of washing Emerson off in the sink. I asked her, “Emma-Claire? Would you like to take a bath in the sink, just like you used to as a baby?” She nodded yes, with her eyes wide. “Do you think you’ll still fit in the sink? You’re awfully big now…” To this, her wide eyed bewilderment changed to a solid, confident yes, in the form of a nod of course. And so the sink was filled up and she played quietly as the afternoon light streamed in the kitchen window.  While Emerson may be running out of room in my kitchen sink, but she’ll always be my baby snuggled close to my heart. 

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A Warm Weekend

This weekend did not disappoint. The sun was bright, the sky was blue, and our hearts were full. We spent the majority of our time outdoors. We visited Hopkin’s Spring Fair where Emerson fearlessly fed sheep, goats, and a bull!We went on the first hike of the season, ate ice cream, and continued our spring cleaning while warm breezes flowed through open windows. Yes, this weekend was just what we needed to recharge for the upcoming week. 

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Weekend Recap

Happy Monday everyone! May your day be short and your coffee strong! I trust that you all enjoyed your weekend. Our weekend included tacos & Dos Equis, a quick trip to the mall, cursing over the fact that it snowed Saturday night, snipping some fresh tulips from the garden, spring cleaning, and puppy naps in fuzzy blankets. It also included a few tears since being a toddler is hard work. 

Also, I can’t figure out for the life of me why my husband can’t figure out how to efficiently load the dishwasher. I mean, the guy has a PhD in Engineering for cryin’ out loud, you’d think he’d realize this is not the most efficient way to load the dishes. It’s because of the first picture that we have the agreement in which I load the dishes and he unloads them. It makes me chuckle every time I am greeted with the scene below. 

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Mid-Week Hustle

Someone woke up in an especially silly mood today. These blurry pictures capture her personality perfectly. Jumping, moving, laughing, smiling… it was a good thing we had gymnastic class today! Emerson managed to get some of all her pent up energy out. It was such a relief to have her running & jumping this morning, especially since we’ve been forced back inside due to all these chilly temperatures!

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At the Beach: Toddler Style

At the Beach: Toddler Style
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This past weekend we experienced chillier temperatures again. It has me longing for the warmth of summer and spending time lounging around the baby pool. This summer we’ll be much closer to the beach and I’ve been daydreaming about all the cute little things Emerson can be decked out in.

I am loving this mini pom-pom trend lately. I think it’s an incredibly fun touch to add to children’s clothing.  This cover up incorporates this mini pom-pom spring/summer trend.

Unless we’re talking rash guards, I’m not a huge fan of two-piece baby or toddler swim suits. I love how classic and how scrumptiously cute a one-piece looks on little ones.

Everyone needs a good floppy hat in their lives, toddlers and babies included. A wide brim does wonders for keeping the sun off of faces and necks while wading and playing.

Sunglasses are another must. Coming from a family with bad eyesight I want to protect my daughter’s eyes as much as I possibly can! Plus, I mean, c’mon… how friggin’ cute would she be in these dramatic frames?!

Another must? A nice sandal without a bunch of holes for sand to get stuck in. Something easy on and easy off. I think these gold sandals fit the bill. They are super affordable & can easily be paired with just about anything.

Now all I need is a beach. 

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When Time Slips By

It was apparently one of those weeks. The days blurred into one another and Emerson probably grew taller before my eyes. Maybe her words were a little more pronounced, her actions a little more decisive, her hair a little longer, her need for me to be so close a little less. And yet all of these things were just so infinitesimally small that just like the second to each minute, they pass us by. They passed me by. But every now and then you catch a moment in time, just as it’s about to pass you by where you realize she couldn’t do that yesterday, and you stop and appreciate it all. You soak it in, breathe it in deeply, for you never know what moments in time will be the ones that slip by you… moments simply forgotten in the blur of daily living. 

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