The Things We Cannot Change

Our nights are getting better, especially mine, now that Kyle does the middle of the night feed for me… But mornings by far are my favorite. Mornings are usually when Emmie decides to practice smiling. Nothing starts the day off better than a huge gummy grin. Trying to capture these elusive smiles has been my goal for quite some time now, so naturally after her morning snack I grabbed my iPad in hopes of catching her smile. I snapped away trying to convince her to smile, but all I managed to accomplish was photograph the progression of her anger. 

I abandoned my mission and we decided to snuggle instead. Snuggling quickly turn to passing out (on Emerson’s part) and I scrolled through the various stages of “displeased” I had just captured. I continued scrolling through old photos when I happened across a photo of Claire-bear wearing the same sleeper suit when we first brought her home, that she was currently wearing snuggled in my arms. 

I looked at the photo and then looked at the girl sleeping in the crook of my arm; surely they are not the same?? Where had my tiny newborn gone? While she’s only gained a few leg rolls, added a few additional chins, and her hair has lightened and thinned she looks different: older.

I quickly succumbed to a wave of emotion. Just yesterday I was complaining about life in general: how fussy she had been when Oliver accidentally woke her up, how I got stuck with the mom no one else wanted at mommy meetup group, how tired and long my days seem and how out of shape and foreign my post-baby body feels… 

And yet, here she lays. The babe that my body grew and brought into this world. She’s just sleeping so soundly in my arms, against my chest, and it was a moment I was about to take for granted. I feel that there are so many moments I’ve already taken for granted. There are things I’ll look back on and think, those were the moments I should have cherished.

I’ve dreamt of motherhood so many nights, and now finally, I am immersed in it, in all it’s glory. These wildly fleeting series of snapshots, so beautiful they can hurt. A love so raw that it feels that your heart might burst into millions of tiny shards. It can seem so daunting at times. I mean, you have this little human relying on you to feed them, comfort them, love them relentlessly, help them grow and learn, shape them into who they will become… 

I need to stop worrying about the things I cannot change, trust in my ability as a mother, and learn to enjoy every moment of this beautiful ride in whatever form it comes each day.

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